Six: Unfaithful to my word
I miss my life.Is that even remotely possible? A dead person might miss his life, if, that is, he exists in some other form after it! But I sure am not dead! So what gives??
Strange how I have changed my views and decisions since I left home… It feels like I’am physically here, but my “Life”, my purpose,essence, or whatever, was left back home! I miss the simplicity of not having to worry about a zillion unimportant things and focusing instead on what really matters….. At points, I wondered if this was all just a front to justify lack of responsibility, but I think not. I am responsible, but I need certain elements in my life, and I don’t have those elements with me….
maybe it’s for the better?? I don’t know.
maybe it’s temporary until I settle down? I don’t know.
maybe I just need to make a few friends? I really don’t know.
I think it’s the fact that I have to stay a whole year…I hate it when things I can’t control influence my decisions and life…that’s what I told a sweet chinese girl once (but that’s a totally different story, one that only she and I know about…hopefully)…
That’s it…it’s losing touch for a whole year, and then coming back…but as a tourist???? Fuck, I’m beginning to make big decisions, and it’s all because of this state… I’ll just have to wait and see… in the mean time, this planning just makes me happier, so what do I care…..
What I know is, these days are making me think too much, much more than neccesary, and thinking naturally induces misery…
Like always, mumbling, bla bla bla, rattling on and on about absolutely nothing… I dont’ know, it just kinda makes me feel really good…so bear with me.